Writing

Bearing your soul in words is a dangerous proposition. Admitting to yourself in a permanent fashion is much more difficult than simply bypassing it with nonsensical mental talk. I will be the first to stipulate that I make a good argument in my head for why things are not as my heart says. That is why I do not trust my mind near as much as I trust my heart and soul. Often I have conveyed through my writing that it is through these words I escape. If I did not write you would no sooner find my name plastered across the screens of your local news station for crazy, maddening acts. ...

I have my chillout playlist on as I sit comfortably in the Sky Harbor Airport. Today I packed up all my things and put the mini cooper on the back of a truck. It is official, I am heading home. Home is such a groggy term for me lately and this situation only serves to expound upon that. It seems like a few days ago I first moved out here. Very few realized why I took the slot here for a quick move and in search of true honesty I am going to type it up.I pushed for the move to AZ for a few months to get out of the small Alabama town where the memories hid. The house, despite me living alone there, was filled with memories of a past time I longed to forget. It wasn’t a painful memory that put me on the airplane that day, but rather the constant memory. In my life I have such a horrible habit of running away from situations that force me to admit weakness. Waking up in the morning directly following my Sign of the Cross is the mirror review. I do my best to puff my chest up high and put on the battle armor for the day. I relish the opportunity to display my manliness to the world abound. Admitting that there is a morning that I awaken and am scared to look in the mirror showcases the fact I fake the relishing.Today I awoke from a bed in AZ, tonight I will lay myself upon a pillow in AL. While the flight is nothing new, the mentality I now posses in my head is totally different. I have learned that memories are just like the air we breathe, no matter how much air you suck in, air will always be here. To expound on that slightly, memories will always surround you. There will be times as you walk down the road and take a breathe that reminds you of a past time. What I learned over the past few months is that holding your breathe only forces you to take a deeper breathe when you release. Memories are nothing to hide from. Instead of forcing myself to run from the time I had so desired to forget I am now going to breathe it in. I have so much air to breathe…so much to learn… ...

I ran my hand through the water on the banks of the pond that day. As I sat under the golden crisp light beaming down on me, I knew the time was not for decision making but rather reaction. Just as my hand ran through the water and out my fingers as it pulled from the wake, so too are you my Love. No matter how many hours I sit on the banks of the soggy pond, the water will forever slip. I find myself wondering if there is any hope for my fingers to hold on to what is so obviously wishing to flow away…will the water turn into the dirt I could once grip onto? ...

Some people call Jr. High yearbooks humiliating. I call them perspective makers. I look back at the pictures and remember all the concerns I had in life and how important everything seemed. I couldn’t help but look into the eyes of these kids and wonder where they are now. Having been a military brat, I am fortunate enough to still know a few of them. But for the most part I have lost touch. What I wanted to do was share with everyone what people said about Nick and share with you what I take from it now. I want everyone to keep in mind that this was years ago, close to a decade. I want to explore what would have happened had I listened to my peers. A little background information, I had been working for a computer company for 2 years at this point. I was the new kid from a year ago and just making some friends. I played basketball and baseball and would imagine I was cocky to say the least. Humility is something I wasn’t capable of at this point in life because of my fear of being so alone in this new country. Okay off we go! ...