Geeks pride themselves on the ability to institute good backup routines. We laugh in the faces of those poor souls who scream and yank hair as they watch their data disappear into the ether. Tonight I realized that a fresh slate might not be such a poor thing to do once in awhile.
My hard drive is full on the MacBook Pro and it is driving me crazy as I attempt to work on some virtual images. I did what any geek in my position would do and wrote a short script to hunt down where the space had disappeared to. I found it in a folder called Annulment. Annulment. I had come up close and personal with my backup routine and knew that I better inspect before simply deleting.
It had been years since I looked in the folder which I had encrypted for some reason. That should have been an indicator in and of itself but I decide to unencrypted anyways. Deep down I guess I will forever be a pack rat and the rat had found his old hole now. Slowly the file names began to remind me of what was in this folder and it brought tears to my eyes. Let me state that it isn’t that I am not over the whole ordeal, I am. What is amazing if you line this up with yesterdays post is that we do well to block out the bad. When you find your 3 year old backup routine the bad comes front and center.
Why do we keep mementos of a past we despise? Everyone has something in the closet, a shoebox filled with letters from a high school sweet heart, a picture of that time in the military. We keep things. I tried to think back to what was my reason for going as far as to encrypt and store this archive. What were the thoughts on my mind 3 years ago when I went through all this trouble. It seemed that reading through the documents and emails did little to remind me of why I was this stupid.
Then I opened one inauspicious file that truly ripped into my heart. To respect her privacy I will only post the snippets that pertain to this 2:45AM writing:
-it’s a connection. Where did it go? I have no idea. So I’m looking for it…
-I keep thinking that maybe I shouldn’t get out of the military. I’ll miss it too much.
That is why I stored this file. The one document named mine. This was her journal I had happened across as I undeleted the files from a laptop. It really wasn’t a journal as much as it was a long letter she never sent to me. I am not sure she ever intended to send it to me but tonight it was as if she had. What really hit me was the “experience the world, smile like there’s no tomorrow.” I kid you not, I have used that exact line in the past month as justification for the crazy life I live now.
Which all brings me to my point. We switched places. I hated her for choosing the military over me and for wanting to be young at heart. Why was it that I was the younger one and yet I felt more mature? Here I am 3 years later married to my job. The big difference of course being that I am not married now, but there is no chance I could be. That is the one thing I learned from her. That is one thing I learned from God. You can only serve one Master.
I haven’t the foggiest idea where I am going in life. Heck I can’t figure out what I will do tomorrow or what country I will be in on Monday. All I know is I don’t want to live my life like she wanted to live ours then. I am going to make some changes. It is time to open up and let God really put me where he wants me. I have very little play for the this year but it is about time to make some changes for the next year.
Geeks pride themselves on our ability to store files forever. The Egyptians sealed away tombs of carved walls, God gave Moses commandments on tablets, and I store encrypted files on a dual redundant backup plan. I understand why we store things, you never know what treasures and gems you will find buried in the dark.