Why?

I am heading down to Tampa this weekend to see Kade. I am excited…well excited would be a vast understatement of the true extent of this emotion. Having been just about one month since Kade and I last seen each other, time has flown by. I know that isn’t the most romantic wording do describe the length of time between visits, but its true. With work being as bustling as it has been I have little time to do much more than sleep and eat. It is very much a schedule I keep: wake up, work, home, checkup on the house cleaning, dinner, workout, walk Oscar, talk to Kade, bed. Wash and rinse.

My problem has been the threshold for which I thought I had worked up to over the years of placing myself in Monk mode. If you are a first time reader let me explain Monk mode. Monk mode is, as the name suggests, when Nick throws himself into a very pious lifestyle with no sexual temptation or pleasure. AT ALL. Which is a perfect mode for a Catholic Man. My problem is that I never expected the Devil and my own mind to be such a horrible enemy. Being attacked from the inside out has proving to take more than I imagined. Many times I wonder if my relationship with Kade is the reason for this problem, if being involved with someone is what pushes the limits of my mental stability. What I realized though, Kade is the reason I work so hard to ensure that purity only second to my relationship with God. Not to say she isn’t a source of temptation. If you have met Kade and are over the age of reason, you know what I mean. Yet with a strong Christian woman joining me in my walk, I find that those moments I stumble I can talk to her. She is there to pray with me, tell me to get my head out my butt and continue on. I truly feel that if left to my own devices I would have quilted myself into craziness. She has allowed me to realize that I am a man and worse yet a sinner. Not that it makes my anger at myself any less, but it allows me to fill in those gaping holes of purity with redemption and prayer. This maybe a surprise to many who know me through ministry but I am a weak man. At a very early age I was indoctrinated into the world of temptation and hell. The two feet with which I stand now have spent much time dragged behind me as my knees did the walking. I trip, I stumble, and I break. Luckily for me God has blessed me with a beautiful woman to be a true bearer of Christ and stretch out her hand to pick me up. What is being Christian other than the incarnation of a Spirit that fills you within. She shows me that. Thank you Kade.

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