Fashion Models

I am utterly confused by women’s interest in all things fashion. Maybe it is my up bringing or my sex, but as a male I have no clue as to what the deal is about. In an effort to spend time with my wonderful wife I put myself through what from now forward will be called the elimination zone. Why the elimination zone? The very act of putting myself in front of a television and watching these shows “eliminates” my all to precious brain cells. Remember though, I love my wife.

I am going to put to paper why I am confused so that maybe with time I can receive answers to my wild and crazy questions. Let us start with the rules of fashion. For the life of me I can’t understand where they come from. When sitting the elimination zone I always hear “You can’t wear those together, it is not allowed.” Who says it is not allowed? Is there a governing board of elected models that conven quarterly to set these rules? I can just see it now, a round table full of skinny women drinking bottled water. But seriously who makes these rules? I would have a better grasp if these rules were in stone and not ever changing. One year you can’t wear hats that are green. Next green is in and red is out. My theory on this system is as follows. Those models meeting on a round table…well they are actually CEO’s of major clothing companies. By keeping the game ever changing, the consumer is forever spending. Good clothes last years, trendy clothes last weeks.

Let us use me, the southern guy, as a prime example. For me clothes are simply a consequence of a serpent and Eve. They are in no way a statement of who I am or what I stand for. Simply garments covering my body. So imagine my Wife’s disgust upon seeing my closet. “You have holes in your jeans…did you forget to throw these away?” I liked those jeans. They fit me well. In fact I purchased them for 50% off not 4 years ago, but away they went. Now fast forward to the current time. What do people wear and pay good money for? Holey Jeans. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, people are now paying for my old clothes. What cracks me up is they have machines to make these jeans look old. I thought maybe they gave them to a Construction Worker for a few weeks, but no, just a machine. Well I can remember that day in the mall as my wife and I walked hand-in-hand. I looked around and noticed a trend…holey jeans…holey worn ratty jeans. I didn’t have mine on that day, but in spirit and heart I did. My wife knew it.

The rules maybe wouldn’t be so bad if they actually made sense. I will use Labor Day as a prime example. What makes the first Monday in September the magical day when white is off limits. Well excuse me because you can wear white shoes, just not white clothes. My wife ,being the fashion diva, had a response to my inquiry by pulling out her etiquette book. Apparently white is a light color more in tune with spring rather than fall and winter. Stop for a second and close your eyes. I want you to imagine the first day of spring or summer and tell me what color do you think of….thats right….green….okay now I want you to think of winter….what is the first color….white you say? Would that be for the SNOW THAT IS EVERYWHERE!?!?! If there should be an official color to wear after Labor Day it should be white. White is the color of snow, not of grass in spring.

I think the worst thing fashion nuts do to the rest of us is make us over. I hate to see these shows where there is a mother of 6 who is wearing jeans. JEANS?! What a fashion mishap?! So what does her family and friends do to her? They nominate her for a makeover show. Her family has to take pictures and video showing how ugly she is to send in. What makes me yell at the television is when she gets on the show and says that she is mother and her kids are more important than designer jeans. Everyone giggles. Dumb woman, you are ugly, forget about your kids. In order for this to be a successful makeover they must slut her up a little. She might be a conservative Christian woman, who cares you need cleavage! What maybe the biggest bucket of irony is that the designers talk about people would never wear THAT. Have these people gone anywhere other than Paris and New York? Newsflash, most of America doesn’t spend 150 dollars on a pair of pants.

If anyone is setting the rules of fashion it is the 95% of America that don’t care. When I go to the Mall or to a show I don’t see people wearing anything from the runway. What I see them wearing is whatever they like. Usually its jeans and a t-shirt. I say all us lowly dumb ugly people rise up and create our own rule book. First rule:

Clothes don’t make the person. If you think that, then your view of humanity is shallow and empty.