DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
First let me establish the baseline: self induced. There is nothing following this sentence that is forced upon me.
A year ago (or darn tooting close) I decided to break things off with my ex-girlfriend. The sinking feeling in my heart, the uneasy deja vu of past relationships, etc. What followed from that point forward was a sabbatical from all that was dating related. Let me define being single, single is not having a person to call to see what “we” are doing this weekend. Sure there have been a few lunches and dinners, but never did I allow myself to put forth the pretence of seriousness. And why?
For the first time in years I decided to cool it off. I threw myself (even more so) into work and explored who Nick was. After all this time I learned a few things. I am a geek so hold tight for the list:
1. Celibacy
Yes I wrote it. What I learned was that Priests have it figured out. Without the clout of such things, the world is clear. With some training and discipline it is possible to turn portions of your brain off. Moving beyond the “oooh shiny!” world of dating allows you to truly connect with someone before the dive into more than that.
2. Friday Nights
I will admit it, there are Fridays that suck. Then again there are Mondays that suck. What I decided to do was move from selling myself to improving myself. You would be surprised what a years worth of Friday night workouts can do for your abs and mile times. I consider this my time of restoration, like an old Chevy lost in the field I am rebuilding the engine. We devout so much of ourselves in a relationship that it is important to change the oil. I changed my oil.
3. Caves
Wandering in the desert sure did Moses right. The monks of the Early Church put themselves in places where only God could speak to them. In a way I did also. My friends will vouch that I have been a blackhole for calls and emails. The reason is that I needed to cut it off, everything. Fixing what is broke means focusing on just that, the broke.
Great, a list of 3 things I did right! Time to segway into what I did wrong.
1. Satisfaction
There is only so much gleaned satisfaction from working hard. I kick ass at what I do and am proud of what God’s blessings have allowed me to do. There is a diminishing return though on time vs. work. You reach a point where the hours simply do not provide for the same satisfaction. I regularly push that boundary (148 hours last 2 weeks)
2. Connections
Here is where I know I can never be a Priest or monk, I yearn for human contact. Not just the touch of a hand or a smile…personal connections where true emotions are shared. This comes in many forms, but the simple act of sharing life feeds my soul. A lack of connection with people forces me to become docile. Wits and smarts aside, my attacks and plans are dulled by no sharpness. Man sharpens Man and I truly believe that. Without someone there to challenge you in anyway you fail to progress. Running against yourself keeps you consistent, but running with a friend makes you excel.
3. Focus
I loose my focus. There, I said it and will admit to being less focused as a hermit. In my past I have gazed upon married men with such pity as I knew they had little time to advance their skills and knowledge. Wife and kids take time away from what was once filled with hacking on code. What has happened over the past year is I have lost focus. Lost focus on much more than simply computers, but life in general. Confessions, adoration, Mass, family, friends, etc. When a photographer takes pictures he doesn’t start with the closest shot. Rather, he first starts from afar and bore-sights the thing he truly needs to capture. This ability to see beyond the shot means options are open.
What is next? There is the million dollar question. After a years worth of single I have to admit I am indifferent to it. Recognizing that being single is just as much work as being someone’s better half has helped me realize that I am okay either way. The past year has been filled with ups and downs, joy and sorrow, and a lot of learning. At the end of the day I no longer need someone there. That is the biggest change in my life. What was once a requirement is now a nice to have. Rather than looking for a mate like one searches for water in the desert, I now search for a mate like a coffee junkie at Starbucks. The possibilities are endless and Lord knows I enjoy a good cup of java. So that is next, the next cup, the next drop, the next perfect steamy cup of java. Frankly I have made it this long and I am willing to wait for perfection.
My mind is full of graphs and math. I am a geek and can’t help but think in charts. I get excited at the sight of graphing moleskin pads. As I have now been single for awhile, it occurred to me that I could graph why things get harder with time. People who get married young have a tough time combating society and the world, but a much easier time melding their lives. My parents (26 years in the running) only know life as growing up and being together. What a great thing to have!
The crazy header on the chart could say a multitude of other things; baggage, stubbornness, pudgy, etc. I was going to do a list of all those but then it occurred to me that along with the analytical parts of my head, I am lazy. Enjoy this one chart, it is all you get.
Ladies, Ladies, come have a seat. We have put this off way to long and it is time we had this talk. I know it is tough to hear, but I feel it is my duty as a guy not interested in you. Don’t be hurt! I mean that in a loving Christ-like way, but it is time I tell you the truth.
“I need a guy who respects me.” – Ladies you are right! You deserve a guy who respects you in a way that extends beyond opening doors for you. This guy needs to respect you and the source of your life. So when you say you need a guy to do this there are some strings attached. Crazy as it sounds respect is one of those two way streets. Another thing, you can’t expect us guys to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I understand you are a very beautiful girl. I can plainly see that. Cover your crack up, all that says to me is you are looking for something not very respectful.
“Where are all the good guys?” – All the good guys are playing hide and seek. They are boarded onto 747s in the middle of the night and shipped off to Good Guy Isle. No seriously, there are good guys abound. Problem is that science has proven that you do not really want a good guy. It is fashionable to say you want a good guy since to admit you want an ass would sound pretentious and make your girlfriends and family be a lot less willing to console you when the douche screws you over. Here is a little secret, the good guys are the ones you aren’t running into at the frat parties. They aren’t the guys getting drunk at some various bar on Wednesday night. The guys you are looking for are the ones opening the door for you down at the local mall that you are too busy to notice as you complain to your girlfriends about good guys being a fallacy.
“Give me a man!” – Here is an easy one, what you meant to say here is give me a boy. If you really wanted a man that would mean involving yourself in a relationship that required some work. A man is going to be tough, a leader, and a little grimy. He isn’t going to dress like a model or peruse the gossip letters. Chances are his fashion sense is about as capable as your ability to change the oil in your car. That is the beauty of being with a real man. He is everything you aren’t. He has the opportunity to complete you. Stop chasing boys and look for a provider and compassionate heart.
“Nothing is exciting anymore between us.” – Not surprising in the least bit! So when you gals get your hands on a man you do everything possible to neuter them. Remember that feeling you got when he pulled up on that motorcycle? The way you heart skipped when he cut down that tree in the yard with his bare hands? Maybe it was the way those military uniforms hung off his rough exterior. The moral of the story here is that the things that attracted you to this man are the first things you attempt to get rid of. Men need to be men. That means living on the edge a little, getting dirty, and being slightly unrefined. It seems that as soon as you nab us you start getting rid of all those things. The bike goes, the military is discarded, and the cutting down of trees is left to the tree service. If you wanted another girlfriend I recommend you find one. If you want a man we will be outside rotating your tires covered in oil.
“I don’t feel in love anymore!” – Me either! I had this Tonka truck that broke my heart just as quick as I broke off the wheels. You see love is a passing emotion. I love trail-mix one day and chicken the next. Chances are that the man you are with will change. Loving someone totally means learning to love them again and again. Quit letting your emotions lead you.
“I want a father to my children” – Do you realize what you are asking us to do? Do you realize what you are doing to your children? Every man who comes into your life (and leaves your life) not only impacts you but also the family you live with. You aren’t just looking for a guy who can show you a good time anymore, you are looking for a leader. You don’t birth a miracle and expect your life to stay the same. Stop dating boys. Your children can’t afford for you to keep making the same mistakes.
I love you all my Sisters. God created you all in His image. I mean these words in the kindest way but I am afraid our world has lead you astray. Your magazines and TV shows make you believe that you are looking for a meterosexual woman with some extra human appendages. You keep failing for a reason and keep attracting the wrong guys for a reason.
