It is great to see the Sun guys utilizing the technology underlying to move beyond “me too!” I am afraid that this maybe too little too late for Sun. I would love to see Sun go the route of SGI/IBM and opensource (GPL not CDDL) their cool beans technologies. One UNIX geek can only hope.
First let me establish the baseline: self induced. There is nothing following this sentence that is forced upon me.
A year ago (or darn tooting close) I decided to break things off with my ex-girlfriend. The sinking feeling in my heart, the uneasy deja vu of past relationships, etc. What followed from that point forward was a sabbatical from all that was dating related. Let me define being single, single is not having a person to call to see what “we” are doing this weekend. Sure there have been a few lunches and dinners, but never did I allow myself to put forth the pretence of seriousness. And why?
For the first time in years I decided to cool it off. I threw myself (even more so) into work and explored who Nick was. After all this time I learned a few things. I am a geek so hold tight for the list:
1. Celibacy
Yes I wrote it. What I learned was that Priests have it figured out. Without the clout of such things, the world is clear. With some training and discipline it is possible to turn portions of your brain off. Moving beyond the “oooh shiny!” world of dating allows you to truly connect with someone before the dive into more than that.
2. Friday Nights
I will admit it, there are Fridays that suck. Then again there are Mondays that suck. What I decided to do was move from selling myself to improving myself. You would be surprised what a years worth of Friday night workouts can do for your abs and mile times. I consider this my time of restoration, like an old Chevy lost in the field I am rebuilding the engine. We devout so much of ourselves in a relationship that it is important to change the oil. I changed my oil.
3. Caves
Wandering in the desert sure did Moses right. The monks of the Early Church put themselves in places where only God could speak to them. In a way I did also. My friends will vouch that I have been a blackhole for calls and emails. The reason is that I needed to cut it off, everything. Fixing what is broke means focusing on just that, the broke.
Great, a list of 3 things I did right! Time to segway into what I did wrong.
1. Satisfaction
There is only so much gleaned satisfaction from working hard. I kick ass at what I do and am proud of what God’s blessings have allowed me to do. There is a diminishing return though on time vs. work. You reach a point where the hours simply do not provide for the same satisfaction. I regularly push that boundary (148 hours last 2 weeks)
2. Connections
Here is where I know I can never be a Priest or monk, I yearn for human contact. Not just the touch of a hand or a smile…personal connections where true emotions are shared. This comes in many forms, but the simple act of sharing life feeds my soul. A lack of connection with people forces me to become docile. Wits and smarts aside, my attacks and plans are dulled by no sharpness. Man sharpens Man and I truly believe that. Without someone there to challenge you in anyway you fail to progress. Running against yourself keeps you consistent, but running with a friend makes you excel.
3. Focus
I loose my focus. There, I said it and will admit to being less focused as a hermit. In my past I have gazed upon married men with such pity as I knew they had little time to advance their skills and knowledge. Wife and kids take time away from what was once filled with hacking on code. What has happened over the past year is I have lost focus. Lost focus on much more than simply computers, but life in general. Confessions, adoration, Mass, family, friends, etc. When a photographer takes pictures he doesn’t start with the closest shot. Rather, he first starts from afar and bore-sights the thing he truly needs to capture. This ability to see beyond the shot means options are open.
What is next? There is the million dollar question. After a years worth of single I have to admit I am indifferent to it. Recognizing that being single is just as much work as being someone’s better half has helped me realize that I am okay either way. The past year has been filled with ups and downs, joy and sorrow, and a lot of learning. At the end of the day I no longer need someone there. That is the biggest change in my life. What was once a requirement is now a nice to have. Rather than looking for a mate like one searches for water in the desert, I now search for a mate like a coffee junkie at Starbucks. The possibilities are endless and Lord knows I enjoy a good cup of java. So that is next, the next cup, the next drop, the next perfect steamy cup of java. Frankly I have made it this long and I am willing to wait for perfection.
export _POSIX2_VERSION=199209
To install some old Loki Linux games you will need to set the POSIX version. Here you go Intertubes for all to search and find.
I sat down with my good friend Bruce tonight for dinner when he correctly pointed out it had been awhile since I posted. Can’t have that, so here we go with an update:
Living in DC has been fun the past few months. I am going to be DTA’ing (TDY) up to DC for a few months here soon. Oscar and I will have a blast exploring all the sites and things to do up here. I am going to buy a nice riding bike (minus the goofy shorts) and go riding with some guys from work. The weather is amazing and the runs through the district in the morning are breathtaking, for a few reasons, one almost being hit by cars and the surreal beauty of an asleep city.
Got a new iPod today. The 120 Classic so I can carry my music collection around with me. I am up to 12,000 songs now. The iPhone was just too tiny as I have eclectic music tastes. “Gosh I wish I had that studio recording of Hendrix and Dylan with me.” Now I do.
It wouldn’t be a Nick post (or a Jerry Springer Episode) if I didn’t have my parting thought. Beyond the superficial where I am and what the latest gadget is, there is the emotional side.
I was driving through an unknown part of Herndon after a meeting attempting to locate my way back (why did I forget my fricken TomTom!?) and was so engrossed in speaking with a coworker that I failed to recognize the landmark signaling my turn. Usually that is my waypoint method, find something that looks funny or intriguing. On this trip with the coworker I had been so negligent in looking that when I looked back on the trip I failed to find my way back to the office.
The story, while true, is my metephorical attempt at historical reference point. Today I looked back on tomorrow. Life is encyclical and a series of small stories filling the bigger novel. Each day is the comic strip in your local paper, a snapshot of time. Since we are invovled in the creation of that strip we progress as it does, day for day. It isn’t until someone comes back and reminds you of where the story started that you realize how far life has come. Today was that day. In many ways it was an amazing reminder that we can do great things from adversity. Other times it reminds us that we haven’t become or done what we had hoped we would by now.
10/8/2008, that funny day that will forever be my waypoint to finding my way backhome. Self realization is an amazing gift.