Styrofoam Cross

December 20, 2006 at 10:31 · Filed under Personal

It is the seed of desire,
The eruption of my pain,
With tears in my eyes I continue,
The act brings nothing to gain,

Guilt stricken my soul,
As I release creation itself,
I am sick inside my soul,
Even with my great health,

It is not my body that hurts,
The flesh is always there,
The soul is the afflicted one,
My cross is so heavy to bear,

This happens to everyone else,
Not to the ministers and priests,
The tears haunt my memory,
And the images torment my sleep,

Lord please help me! I call for you!
I need your grace and love,
Please rest upon my shoulder,
A peaceful mindful dove,

I fell once again tonight,
No telling how long I will last,
To the world I am of piety,
They only see the outer cast,

I never expected a styrofoam cross,
Maybe just not one this heavy,
The waters of sin rise,
Hold strong Lord as my levy,

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Hope to be blind

December 20, 2006 at 10:13 · Filed under Personal

From beneath the waves of my mind I looked above for a target. My eyes periscope above the waves of control and gazed the road ahead. Instead of staying beneath in the safety of my salvation I look above. I am too scared to surface but rather rest easy in the little taste I give myself. I battle with the devil and his control of my eyes. His one inlet is the greatest tool God has for my safety…my sight…no one can sit on the coast line and see the setting sun and deny the existence of God. No one can climb a mountain and gaze below only to put it to randomness. For all good there is bad, these eyes are what tears a man away from his wife. It can take a loyal devote husband and turn him into the mush of society. It seems that I am in perfect control till the point my wife rips down my walls. If it were not for her persistent desire to ridicule my core, I may stay stronger. Who am I to say it is her fault…for in the end it is my decision. I only beg of my Lord to grace me with his forgiveness and compassion. The forgiveness for the sinner I am and the compassion to fill my heart for my Wife.

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Hunting Dogs

December 20, 2006 at 10:08 · Filed under Personal

“Give me the gun” my Uncle blurted out as I stood there rifle in hand. This was the first time I had seen my Uncle Mike in the better part of a decade. We had traveled up north for my cousin’s wedding and to see all the family. Uncle Mike was the first we saw. While we waited for my Grandparents to return he decided we would waste away the afternoon shooting his new rifle.

My Uncle, Brother, and I had jumped into his bright orange truck and headed for the old cabin. The ride was horrible from the road out to the cabin being so muddy and holey from the tractors. I was sitting on the passenger window and watched the rows of corn drift by like lines on a road as we went into the woods. Everything was just like I remembered it at the old blue cabin. The old wood stove stood in the middle of the plank board floor. The Army and Marine special forces posters were still proudly on the walls. The only military people in our family were my Father, my Uncle Mike, and me. And none of us were in special forces which is why they always caught my eye. Why put posters up to something not one of us does?

Uncle Mike took out the ammo like a kid pulling out Pez in reverse. He placed the rounds one by one into the top of the clip and almost dropped a few due to his excitement. Maybe I am too much of a geek to understand all this hoopla over a gun. Maybe I am just too much of a city boy. In any case we walked out to the edge of the pond for target practice. My Uncle described how he sat out there on days off and shot at turtles for target practice. He had a special lawn chair to sit on right off the edge of the muddy pond and wait for them to come up for air. This should have keyed me into the fact that my Uncle and I were at odds.

I don’t mind hunting animals. I would die to defend your right to own arms and to hunt deer. What I don’t condone is people killing for no reason than to kill. Those turtles were shot and all they did was decay on the bottom of the muddy pond. My Christian morals teach me to have respect for all life no matter how small. The turtle had my sympathy as I can’t say he died for any worthwhile cause.

My Uncle placed the clip into the gun and loaded one into the chamber. I wasn’t sure what to expect after the turtle story, but he seemed okay as he pointed us to shoot at a white can nailed to a fence over across the pond. As my Brother squeezed off the first shot, my Uncle and I talked about shooting the M16 rifles in the military. He seemed to like the fact that I knew all about the military. I could sense the midst of regret and longing. Regret for leaving and longing to return. My Brother nailed the target from across the pond with no problem. The sound of the rifle ricocheted through the many twigs and trees scattered around our sanctuary.

I was handed the gun for my trial shot. The rifle had a different feel than most I had the chance to shoot. The scope was worth more than the entire gun and the rounds were special target rounds. All the same I wasn’t going to be labeled the city boy. I pulled the stock to my shoulder and gazed into the scope. I scaled my breathing and pulled the trigger. “BULLSEYE!” I chuckled as I pulled down the gun to get a better look. Instead my eyes wandered to 2 animals rustling in the bush slightly beyond the target.

Looking back I wish I would have never said anything. I was the only one in the group with 20/20 vision and most likely the only one to see them. When I blurted out “Look at those dogs”, I fully expected us to call them over and pet them. I could see they had collars on and most likely not wild. I was smiling as they were 2 cute little beagles, pudgy beagles. I total forgot about the recent things my Uncle had told me. I forgot about the little turtle. “Hand me the gun” he rattled off as we stood there. I had already began to hand it to him for his turn of target practice. It wasn’t till he scoped beyond the target and at the dogs that I realized he was going to shoot at them. I stood there frozen against the mud below my feet. I couldn’t believe he was going to shoot these dogs.

The first shot went wide from the lead dog. For a second my nerves settled as it appeared he was just going to scare them away. The dogs looked over at us to see what the racket was. They were a little shaken up by the bullet grazing the area in front of them. The one dog looked right at me. He had that goofy dog smile some have. I was taking in their reaction when it occurred to me that another bullet was just cocked into the chamber. The next shot wasn’t a scare shot.

The dog began to whimper. Just like a child screams “ow” over and over again when they are hurt badly, this dog did. My eyes were wide as I took in the fact he shot the dog. I looked closely attempting to see where he was hit. My Uncle and Brother took off around the pond for a closer look. I debated inside whether or not to go. I was torn inside with myself at the fact that I was so weak to say nothing. Like the new kid I followed closely behind them. My Uncle cocked another round into the chamber. I knew he was going to finish this. I made the sign of the cross and stayed farther back. He walked closer to the dog now laying there on his stomach whimpering. The other dog stood back 20 yards and waited there for his friend to run off with him. I prayed that he ran off before my Uncle finished off his friend.

My Uncle bent down to inspect his tags to see if he knew the owner. “Nope” he said nonchalantly and he stepped back and took aim. The first shot had took out the dogs left front leg. The next shot took out his life. He aimed and with one shot to the head the dog let out its last cry. I stood there. I stood there and did nothing. What a coward to watch this all happen and not have the courage to stand up for the right thing. I was to scared to be the one person in the family not a hunter, not a farmer, and not a killer. I wanted so much to fit in with the family I hadn’t seen in years. And because of that I didn’t say a word. Instead I watched this dog take a bullet to the head. His body slightly jitter like a bug does after they are stomped on. The last things their brains were sending out before the death. His head lifted up and then fell to the ground with the last gasp of air escaping his nose. In perfect sequence his eyes shut. I shut mine with his.

With my eyes shut I prayed for the dog, for my Uncle, and my Brother. I asked God to let this dog run free in the best parts of doggie heaven. For my Uncle I asked God to put into his heart the love and respect of life. Lastly for my Brother I prayed that he didn’t find this cool…that he found this as repulsive as I did. After he was dead, my Uncle grabbed him by the back legs and threw him off into the woods. With one last scan for the owners we walked back to the truck. Each step weighed heavy on my heart. I battled with my insides to say something…do something…I figured the least we could do was bury him. No luck. I followed in line back to the orange truck. Just as I jumped into the passenger side of the truck a vulcher flew overhead. The bird had smelt the death. I looked over to that side of the pond once more to see the little guy’s friend run off down the trails. I had hoped that he was running home wherever that was. I hoped that there was a little kid waiting for his best pal.

I can’t remember the rest of the ride back to Grandma’s for pizza. I haven’t the foggiest clue what was said or what I said. All I could think about was the scene we just left. I am not opposed to hunting or shooting animals. I think it is cheaper and easier to get them prepackaged at Wal-Mart, but to each their own. What disgusted me so much inside was that the dog stood no chance. He was scoped at a distance to where he couldn’t hear us. He was killed and then thrown off into woods like trash. Genesis clearly lays out that God created all life. He called into existence everything that graces this amazing Earth. The least I could do is stand as a guardian of His great works. Thinking back to this day still saddens me. I hope that writing this down will in some way help me to fully grasp what happened. Looking back now I see so many times I could have stopped what happened. I could have been a child of God. Instead I am writing this for all of you to read.

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Are you ready?

December 18, 2006 at 00:19 · Filed under Personal

I found a post on the NYT that really interested me because it mentioned marriage. Now usually I would roll my eyes and disregard because it did come from the NYT but the first few lines caught my attention, they were spot on. Upon reading I wanted to share with you my POV on their topics.

• Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver? – Now being Catholic myself, this is HUGE! I would attribute this to a large portion of breakups. Despite what society tells us about what a happy life includes, children are at our core a desire. It is the greatest miracle God shares with us in Genesis 1:27. We join in creation. Also along those same lines, who is going to take care of them? Most people would equate that to father or mother; I think it is more far reaching. Will day care raise your children or you?
• Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? — Are you going to buy a new car every year or save for retirement? This even goes beyond long term goals. Do you buy the no-name brand cereal at walmart or the expensive box? Laugh all you want, but things like that are indicative of future habits.
• Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores? – Someone has to vacuum and clean stuff. You can’t let it go till someone gets sick of it and just finishes the chore. Despite what you did as a single person, you now live in the space of someone else. Unless of course you are both slobs or neat freaks…then it doesn’t matter. Lay it out there and make sure you know who is doing the chores and when. I was horrible with this. Much better now :)
• Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? — I have friends that think this doesn’t matter and would argue that love is all that matters. Yeah, whatever. Know your future spouse’s history not because you are nosey, but because they owe you the respect to share their scars. We all have a past and what it does is shape us. Our better halves deserve to know that.
• Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect? — Guys this isn’t just sex. Sheesh. There is a good mix that everyone likes to have in their lives. It is simple like holding hands in the store or a hug after work, humans are physical beings and we desire to touch and feel love from the other. Is your future spouse devoid of contact?
• Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? — Guys this is about sex this time. Don’t lie and pretend it doesn’t matter. This is important. We must all face the fact that over 80% of teens had sex before being married. You probably aren’t his/hers first and you most likely recipcate the same history. That effects us all. Can you talk about it with them?
• Will there be a television in the bedroom? — HUGE! I can’t stand the TV in the bedroom because frankly, I don’t have a TV that I watch like that. I guess when I get in the bedroom I have a few things on my mind that I would much rather do…like…read…pray…or…well…sleep :) What did you think I was going to say?!
• Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints? — This isn’t the head nod and smile. I mean listen listen. Do you hear the little things they didn’t mean to slip out? Are you listening well enough to hear the words they didn’t say? Sometimes when you listen like this you find out that you aren’t perfect and the person just wants you to make them happy, listen!
• Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education? — GIANT RED FLAG ALERT!!! If you are not the same religion or don’t have religion at all, are you willing for the rest of your life to deal with the differences? I am Catholic for example, my children will be raised Catholic. Why? The Church says so. Knowing that I follow the Church’s teachings makes knowing what my life plan will be so much clearer. Is the person you are with understand where your source of moral code and integrity comes from? Atheist/Agnostic/Christian/Buddhist/Jewish…etc…etc…etc…Religion defines a person. Are you willing to live within the confides of that definition?
• Do we like and respect each other’s friends? — Friends matter. I would argue to some extent as much as family. If your friends think your spouse is a total dork and not right for you can you see yourself hearing that for years on end? Maybe they see something you don’t. You have to draw that line in the sand and figure out what is more important.
• Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship? — Parents. Wow. Yeah. Look don’t think your spouse’s family plays no role in your life. If you are the type of person who wasn’t close with your family, will it bother you that your spouse is? I am very close with mine and they play an integral part of my life. That is tough for people to be around when they despise their own.
• What does my family do that annoys you? — LOL! I can think of a few things my family does that annoys me without a spouses help, but important none-the-less. Wait let me backup and say that I love my family dearly but we annoy the crap out of those we love. If your spouse hates how your family does tribal dancings on Saturdays, maybe you shouldn’t bring her over there on Saturday. Knowing what the land mines are saves you from walking on them.
• Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage? — I ride motorcycles. I love computers and do it for a living. I can with some certainty at this point in life that those things aren’t going anywhere. Do you want to be sitting on the couch deciding between your hobbies and wife? No, you want to know she/he is supporting you. Make sure she/he will.
• If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move? — I see this a lot with my military buds. They meet a hometown girl near base and when they get orders the girl doesn’t want to leave home. That is a big problem for someone who’s whole life is moving and distance. I think the more correct question would include family and career. Are they willing to leave their job for yours? Do you both have your priorities in line so that it isn’t a battle but rather a growth?
• Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face? — This really surprised me to read on the NYT site because, frankly, society doesn’t teach longevity and loyalty. If it doesn’t work out try again seems to be the mantra. The question still posses a good topic, are you willing to stick around when it sucks? Marriage despite what Hollywood tells you isn’t a fairytale. Quit setting yourself up for failure. I wish we could stop calling it marriage and maybe replace the word with “Working my butt off to make it work.” That would be much more correct. Here let me show you: I am married to a beautiful woman. would change to I am working my butt off to make it work with a beautiful woman. So much more true :)
  

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Box will fit you well

December 1, 2006 at 10:35 · Filed under Personal

You were thrown into the room that night,
Awoken from your deep sleep,
Stripped you of your dignity and clothing,
Measured you up for your own keep,

“This box will fit you well” the suited man said,
As he stepped aside to let you see,
“It may look like all the others”,
“But it is yours simply to be”,

As you went from light to dark,
And the suited man closed the lid,
You knew this life was over,
Never again would you be a kid,

Inside your box all alone,
You wept for a soul to hear you,
If only the calls were answered,
That you may have a saving hero,

The carpenter must have been nearby,
His pity drove him to crack the lock,
A hand reached in and grabbed your own,
Pulled you from that well fit box,

He hid you from the others,
Under the radar to the sun you slipped,
As you found your way to the meadows,
The locks on your arms he clipped,

There is hope for you all,
To be removed from your personal Sheol,
For a carpenter to crack the lock,
And show all that there is to feel,

When you have had enough of the darkness,
Cry for a hero nearby lost soul,
I promise that the carpenter is listening,
His compassion is his downfall…

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