December 20, 2005 at 10:17 · Filed under Personal
At what point Lord did I loose sight of the day? I find myself trudging through this Christmas season in total disregard for your birth. I find myself passing the lights and the debris Katrina left and wondering where I lost my sense of hope. It is as if time has stood still since August 29th and I as a person have no longer progressed. Lord where did I loose sight?
Tonight as I ran the streets of the sub division I saw you. I saw you in the yard of the family with no roof. I saw you in the porch of a house that has nothing else. Lord I saw you perched near the door of a trailer that stands where the playground once did. I saw you in a manager. As my feet pounded the road in a progressively faster pace I saw you there. Quietly I made the Sign of the Cross in adoration for your birth. Each Nativity Scene I saw I made the Sign. A baby. Lord I have seen you in the eyes of those around me. Even in the morning I glimpse inside and can see you there…although the flame doesn’t burn so bright. This Christmas I may not feel the spirit of the holidays with Family and Friends but I have not forgotten you. You came from the cradle and left on a cross. Lord, for that, everyday I will remember you. Not just on the 25th of December.
December 20, 2005 at 10:14 · Filed under Personal
It was a hot summer day driving down the road on the way back from a friends house in St. Petersburg. Crossing the busy traffic from Tampa to Dale Malbary was proving a chore this day as I sat there listening to the hum of my engine. Tampa is quite possibly the worse place to drive and for someone not from the area that didn’t know the secret back roads, it could prove tedious to say the least. I assumed there was an accident ahead or something along those lines since it was a daily occurrence. Up ahead I saw the turn signals of a few cars change from the tick of left to right. Much like a sailor in the sea seeing the lighthouse over yonder I decided to change course also. I glanced at their plates and saw they were locals…well that or they were all military transplanted here. Either way I figured I was with good company.
Much in the same way a group of deuce-and-a-halves and hummers convoy down the road, our minivans, pickups, and sedans in an orderly fashion jumped out of line into the side road. Bunched together tightly because of the sardines of automobiles we trudged along this “UNDER CONSTRUCTION” side road. Oh great I thought to myself as I had turned from one bad path to another. What was next surprised me since I never would have thought it true. You know how sometimes you catch something out of the corner of your eye? Sometimes it is a trickle of light or an object that just doesn’t belong where its at. This is exactly what happened as I pulled a 90 degree turn of my neck to the left to see a fallen object.
I slowed down from my already jogging pace to a brisk walk. I know this because people were walking past me in my truck. I guess I slowed down so much in disbelief rather than the need for safety. Take in to account the fact there were literally thousands of people and cars passing along this busy area. For all I knew it could have only been there for 10 seconds before I saw it or maybe, just maybe, it had been there all day.
I pulled my lifted pickup off into the construction zone I had been so meticulously warned about at the turn. It was a bump or two since the road was completely torn up and nothing left but the under soil that once supported it. I looked once more to make sure that before I threw myself into traffic it was what my split second gaze had identified. It was…an American Flag.
Now call me old fashion or a right-wing Christian crazy nut, but when I see such a symbol of American Pride and dignity I am inclined to stop. I signed my name on the dotted line and lifted my right hand to pledge my allegiance to die for that flag and the people it represented. So imagine my dismay to see a tattered flag being rolled over like the road it sat on. I paused for a moment unsure to pick it up or not. It was a busy day and unlike the flag, when people run over me I don’t go flat, I become a speed bump. My mind raced as I thought about my TI in basic training and his adoration for all things red, white, and blue and I knew that I owed it to him if no one else.
Vroom! Without thinking I almost jumped out into the middle of road. You would think that after a good 4+ years of seasme street I would have been prepared for the look both ways ritual but I suppose not. With Big Bird now ringing in my head I checked both directions and planned my dash. “If I wait for the 18wheeler of death to pass by before I jump out in front I will be okay” I thought to myself. Luckily I was an expert frogger player way back when. I was ready.
1….2……3…….off I was to the middle of this road. I had just seconds to look at the flag before grasping it into my hands. What I saw was a 24 inches or so sized flag tattered with holes in it. Where there once was stars for states, there was now burnt holes. It was disgusting to soak all this in. Why was I the first to stop? People around me driving had now began the orchestra of horns with a choir of cursing in to melody it all. When I pulled up from the ground this flag much of the hoopla stopped as they gathered in what I was doing. I was just waiting for someone to honk again or tell me to forget the stupid flag. While not a very Christ-like thing to do, they would have had a good foot to mouth for them.
I pulled from the ground this fallen hero and took him to my truck. Doing the best I could without a fellow military person there, I performed the ceremony of folding him up. This task was near impossible as there were so many holes and ripes that it was hard to make creases. Doing the best I could I walked around to the passenger door and found a place for my comrade. Looking at the seat I would sit him down on it seemed almost inadequate. I shoved away the pink lemonade and sweet tarts and put him there. I walked back around to my door and stepped up into the high cab of my truck. I looked around to see what the aftermath of my actions would be and much to my surprise, nothing. Much in the same way the flag had sat there with no one doing anything, so would be its departure. I looked over to see the flag sitting there…stopped for a minute….and started the truck. Turning into traffic I followed the flow of cars as I found my way back to base.
That flag is still with me. I didn’t want to burn it in an official ceremony as I felt that was a horrible ending to a flag that had basked its last days in the Tampa sun. Instead I held on to it and as I packed my belongings on my way out of Tampa I came across the old flag in my closet. I put him in my backpack next to my other important things and rode off. The flag is a reminder to me that sometimes the sacrifices of many mean so little to most. Even though an American Flag will grace their home on July 4th and will be the focal of their pre-game show for Super Bowl, they will forget. Maybe you are right, it is just an old worn flag, but that flag will forever stand as my reminder of freedom. No matter how large a flag flies in the sky, mine will be a real view of that freedom.
December 20, 2005 at 10:12 · Filed under Personal
Let me start by saying that geeks love porn. Yep its true, porn is the driving force for the ENTIRE Internet. People like to think that the spread of knowledge and communications is the real force behind it all and I sure wish it was that but, in reality porn has pushed the envelops of what technology can do to enhance your addiction. Wait, porn, an addiction? I can vouch for all the above and I want to share with you my story. It isn’t a story of success just yet but, it is a story and its mine. Everyone likes a good struggle right?
I think it started when my family moved to Bitburg Germany. My Father received orders and there we were just a few months later. We arrived in the middle of the worse ice storm Germany had seen in 50 years and for this little Southern boy I was stuck. I had hardly even seen snow let alone ice covering everything so inside I sat. We were in temporary housing waiting for the military to get us a house. (If you aren’t military think of this place as a house away from home, it has everything a family needs to live minus your stuff.) We had nothing with us but some books and a few toys that were a little out of my age range seeing as I was almost 15 at the time. So while my dad was napping and my brother playing with a toy, I explored my room at this fake house. On the top shelf I found 2 VERY hardcore porn magazines. When I say hardcore I mean raunchy to the Nth degree. I looked away at first because I was raised differently. I took them down off the shelf and looked at them just for a little bit. I had never seen anything like it and to my young mind it was exciting and new. This is the day my struggle began…
I knew at the time that I should be a good Christian. So imagine my guilt as I was drawn to this crap and at the same time trying to be at Church. I was in such pain that I eventually took the magazines and threw them out the window of my 3rd floor room. The snow covered them and I never saw from them again. I thought in my young mind that I had rid myself of the pain but little did I know that it was burned into my mind now. I walked around now looking at women differently now…they weren’t just cute and nice…they were hot and sexy. My whole focus had changed from their interior to their exterior.
We moved into our new house a few weeks after my experience. It had been weeks since I had seen the porn and I was craving to see more. I wasn’t really in touch with Christ at the time so it never occurred to me to drop to my knees and pray. Instead I just shoved it inside and pretended it didn’t exist. Boy was I in trouble when the computer was unpacked! I had always used the computer to program, play games, learn everything I could. I had spent sometime on BBS and the early Internet but at the time never understood what porno or pr0n was on these places. I just looked for games and hacking and called it a day. So imagine my surprise when we got Internet back and lo-and-behold I knew what these things were now. I spent literally hours online surfing porn on my slow Internet connection and staying in my room with the door shut. I acted like the outside world was fake and these images plastered on my screen what the world was like. I had no friends at my new place and my computer became all I had. It was in a downward spiral as I struggled with going to Church on Sunday and surfing porn the rest of the week.
Things got better as I made friends that kept me outside of the house. I was still masturbating at least once a day and thinking nothing of it. The sensation was becoming dull and meaningless. In some ways though my addiction was making me popular. I knew where the guys could go to get porn and the girls liked how “mature” and understanding I was of their needs. I went through a few girlfriends that first year and never pushed the envelope with any of them. I put on my good Christian face and they fulfilled my needs to have the nice, cute, Christian girl. What they couldn’t give me I figured the Internet and porn could. I was skating on thin ice as time continued though because the Devil was becoming more and more tempting. The porn wasn’t filling the hole in my life I had allotted to it and I began to feel another new sensation, Lust.
I think I met Jill *name changed to keep her life private* sometime in 7th or 8th grade before high school. She was a great girl that was a little fringe in our school. By this point I had become a popular guy in the school and could have my choice of girls to date. Why Jill? She was “sexy” in a way that I knew my lust needed. Where as the other girls in my school were prudish by my scale, she was inviting. Our relationship was nothing more than make out sessions and dry humping. It was progressing at this pace for more than a few months. We had basically any free time we wanted as her parents are what I would classify as hippy and thought nothing to let us close her bedroom door and make out. As you can imagine we spent a lot of time at her place. I was content with what was going on and it was at a place I was happy with. Sex was out of the question since I was scared of the kid aspect. The makout and touching was it for now. Around the same time I met her I started a job and met new friends.
I would say 3 people led me more to what happened then anyone else. In the end it was my decision and pain, but lets just say that as young as I was they certainly didn’t help. I began to work at a place called Surf1 und Silyn-Tek, a German ISP. I was the youngest employee by any stretch of the imagination but one of the head technicians. I was a geek remember that. I worked with a few guys in their 20’s that were porn addicts. They thought I was cool because I could hack porn sites to get free pictures and I thought they were cool because they were older. They taught me about a woman and what it takes to make her “hum” as they called it. We would sit there working on the companies computers downloading music and surfing porn. Of course we were also the number 1 ISP in Germany and could do both no problem but you get the idea that we were addicted enough to use work time. I learned about erotic stories and how to please a woman there. It was the last barrier I had left to tear down.
Valentines Day was it. Jill and I had talked about doing something special as we both knew what that meant. She had told my friend that she was wanting it bad. My friend joked with me in Band Class and told me it was time. I laughed it off but was feeling the pressure. I knew that my Parents and Brother were out of town that weekend and so did Jill. I was staying behind to work which put me in the uneasy situation of deciding what to do. Now who I asked was a mistake, there were many others in my life much more able to give great advice, but I went to the cool guys I worked with. What did they say I wonder? Jill and I met after work at my house….
There it was gone. The last strand of sexual purity I had left. I had officially spit in the face of my Faith and my Savior. They say that sin is forgiven if you repent and don’t do it again. After Jill and I and our day, I knew no need to ask for redemption. I would be doing this a lot. Or so I thought at the time since what happened next was a deterrent to say the least. After we were done sinning she went home and that night it hit me, no condom. Thats right…the little sex we had was unprotected. I got scared and called her to ask her about it. She said she was going to have her period in a few days. I knew enough from my friends at work that sex days before period = bad. I started to stress and I actually think I cried that night. I knew that I was in trouble.
The coming days at school I avoided Jill like the plague. Out of all the things to do to a girl after sharing that this was bad. Her friends were calling me a bastard and a jackass but I kept quiet. I knew what I needed to hear from her and it hadn’t been said yet. I tried to write her a letter to explain to her how scared that I was going to be a father. She seemed unphased by it all which just further scared me. I remember the night she called telling me she was on her period. It was right before dinner with my family and I walked out a HAPPY boy and sat down to some ham and macaroni. I recall my dad asking why I was so happy. I brushed it off and made it up some excuse. I wasn’t ready to share my sins with anyone yet.
Jill broke up with me after I told her no more sex. I spent the next few years not dating all through high school. I had my crushes but none that I was willing to push through. I instead became emotionally involved with a few. What I mean by that is flirting and pushing the envelope to see how far I could get a girl to go without dating. I took great pleasure in getting the sweet girl to become something else. I would write them notes and slowly make them more and more telling. I would let things slip that were sexual in nature to see what their reactions would be. It ended up with me being an erotic story teller. As sick and perverted as it was I did it all the time. The Lord blessed me with a desire to write and instead of using that for good I used it for evil. For a young Christian guy this was a comfort zone. I had put God in a box that I could handle. In my mind I wasn’t having sex so it was okay. They were just words and not actions. All the while this is going on I am an Altar Server at Church. Hypocrite doesn’t begin to describe what I was.
Now what I am going to describe next was the other shoe dropping. We moved back from Germany my Junior year of High School to Keesler AFB. I made the decision that I was done with sex and all that had made me impure. This was of course impure in the sense of God in my little box. This didn’t include porn to which I still looked at online and continued hacking websites for. So we were back at my old Parish and surrounded by friends that reminded me what I use to be like. They talked about stories of how faithful and devoted I was to the Church and it reminded me that I used to be something bigger than a horny teenager. I was going to try to turn over a new leaf.
My first day in my new school was odd to a guy who wasn’t use to attention. I am not a bad looking guy but nothing special. When girls were coming up in the parking lot to talk to me and passing me notes in class it was new. I was used to being the one to pursue girls but when the tables were turned it was something else. I had a new level of confidence unknown to me just months ago. I may have been the new guy at that school, but I was THE new guy. I threw my Christian fundamentals out the window and used and abused people for the sake of popularity. I achieved it early on by being the class clown and joker. I could make people laugh and took advantage of that. I also became more in tune with my writing around this time. I wrote pages upon pages of poetry describing among other things my struggle. You see no matter how much I put on the cool guy face and talked about wanting to bone girls, deep down I was still that church-going Christian. God was there pounding on my face with a 2×4 just trying to wake me up.
Kayla * name changed * was the other shoe I talked about earlier. I met her while I was teaching Sunday School! Her sister was in my class and asked if her sister could talk to me. I was the president of the youth group so she wanted to plan an event. (Soak that in for a minute, I was an Altar Server, Sunday School Teacher, and Leader of the Youth Group) Kayla seemed very cute and outgoing. I thought this was my chance to get away from the temptations by dating someone from Church. I called her that night and asked her to homecoming. We spent the next few weeks talking on the phone for hours. I was for once connecting to a girl on a different level. One that didn’t include sex! I couldn’t have been happier with my luck of finding a sweet Christian girl. I remember a priest once saying that its not the people of the secular world to worry about tempting you since you know that is their mission. He said it is more scary to have a Christian friend that falls on hard times since you never expect the temptations to come from them. How true.
Kayla and I began getting close. A little too close looking back. I was involved with every aspect in her life as she was with mine. Every weekend or free night we were together. Her parents loved me and invited me to do everything with them. Here was the problem. They trusted me. They shouldn’t have. My old ways crept back in at a faster pace than usual. The problem was that the connection we had wasn’t strictly lustful like the rest. This connection was one based on a level of love. That made the walls easier to tear down since it was “love,” right? We picked up right where me and Jill left off.
It took us a few months longer to build up to sex than me and Jill. Remember that Kayla and I were in love. I remember I began pressuring her for sex and she kept saying no. I figured I needed to get her interested since she didn’t know how great it was. I was such a bastard but the things I introduced her to pushed the envelope just like I thought they would. It was a few weeks but we eventually had sex. It was wonderful for both of us but the regrets had already began to surface. I was a pushy horn ball that took away this great girls purity. We dated on and off after that for months at a time. Each time it was sex and comfort that brought us together. I hurt her so much that she dated other guys for no other reason than to get back and try and fill that emptiness I left. Honestly I thought I was going to marry her but was to young to understand what that meant. She was my first love and it pains me now to say that I hurt her so. For the rest of her life my scars will be hers also. If there was a time when I wanted to just die and go to Hell it was looking back on this time. I truly didn’t think I could be saved. I had moved beyond the point of being saved, I was an instrument for the Devil’s band at this point.
Kayla wanted to go to college and drive expensive cars and wanted everything I hated. I decided to join the military and move away from there. I had one other partner before I left for basic training that I fell for bad. She was a girl that I had crushed on all through high school. Her eventual path from me back to her abusive boyfriend was enough to break me. When you are broken is when the Lord picks you up and carries you back to faith. He didn’t just pick me up and walk….He ran.
Basic training is an interesting place where people are without everything they know. You are moved from the comfort of your environment to a place where life is the exact opposite. There are 2 things you look forward to in Basic Training, Church and Chow. Your one escape here from the yelling and grueling punishment is Church on Sunday. I remember I almost decided not to go on that first Sunday as I didn’t think I had my sins in order. I was under the impression that I needed to get all my sins listed before I could go to Church. I had been sneaking in my writing poetry at basic training and as I read back over it I saw my struggle and decided to go. Imagine my surprise as I wasn’t just a body in a pew but a worshiper. The music was amazing and the sermons arrows to my heart. I felt the Lord placing his hand on my shoulder as I sat in that pew next to the others and wept. Myself and another troop held it in till the point the lip was quivering. It was the acceptance of the Lords body in the form of communion that pushed me to the edge. The experience was nothing short of amazing as I accepted the eternal bread of life. The song was “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace” and the words stuck on me like wet mud. I knew that I needed to be that channel. My poetry from that point on wasn’t one of pain but of the Lords forgiveness and understanding. I began holding nightly prayer sessions for the flight of troops and preaching from the Bible. The guys would sit on the edge of their beds as we prayed together. Guys that hadn’t touched a Bible were praying the Our Father hand in hand. After the lights went out and we were told to be in bed I would risk it all by getting up and visiting each cot and talking to the guys. I wasn’t feeling the same stress as these guys. There was no porn here, there was no temptation, there was just my Faith and I latched on. I prayed with these guys as letters came in with stories of death in their family, wives wanting to divorce, children being born without them there. I wept with them holding their hand strongly as God had done with me each night praying. Together we wept sharing in Christ’s love.
After you leave basic training you go to Technical School. Here you learn your skills for what you will be doing. I felt here that I was ready to find someone to share my faith with. I wanted to find someone who could better me as Christian and help me on my journey. A man is commanded to be a Husband and I thought I was ready. Sheesh…
The next serious girlfriend helped me on that path in an indirect way. We spent lots of time together and since I was from Keesler AFB I was able to show her the area and everything. I wonder sometimes if she started to date me just because I had a truck, not sure :) But anyways once I had the freedom back I was on my old path again. She pushed for sex and I gave in. I gave in as quickly as I had promised to never again. I hurt inside and felt bitter against it. Now more than ever I felt distant from the Lord and just accepted I was a heaven and had sex all the time. “What the hell!” I thought. Who cares. What happened next changed everything, instead of getting orders to the same place, we got separate assignments. If there was ever a time the Lord was working this was it.
When I arrived at MacDill AFB I was taken by a girl and didn’t think anything of others. I just went along with life calling her at night and making plans to make it to Colorado. We talked a little about marriage but nothing serious. Just in passing really. I felt obligated to talk marriage as that would be my saving grace since I broke my promise with God. If I married her then the sex thing wouldn’t matter. I had a Lieutenant who was secure in his faith that told me that before I got married I needed to find Christ. That you can’t base a marriage off the world but instead out of the world. I took it to heart and went to Church one Sunday and did so over and over again. It was through these continued visits and prayer that I came to realize she wasn’t the one. She wasn’t even close. I called to break it off basing the decision of that fact that this wasn’t the Lord’s plan for me. She flipped out and told me she was cheating on me anyways. Oh well I thought…I had Christ.
I dated off and on but no sex, no porn, no masturbating, no anything. I was ridiculed at work for my beliefs but I held strong. I always thought about the teachings of St. Francis about spreading the gospel and only using words when necessary. I did everything I could to rid myself of pride and hate. I wanted them to look at me and see Christ’s love. I made a promise with God to not date until I was secure for 100% in my faith. I held that promise until I met Valarie * real name :) She won’t care that her name is here *
I met her on the offbeat chance that I had a job at her office place. She was older and higher ranking but it didn’t phase me a bit. I found out she didn’t go clubbing and was a CATHOLIC church-goer. This was just one night after I wept and prayed in bed asking God to provide me with a soul mate. That my loneliness was killing my happiness. Then there she was. I chased her around MacDill AFB making sure she knew that I was young, but not immature. I was there to approach her as Christian man. It worked and eventually it won her over. Our relationship moved quickly and got to the point where sex was beginning to enter the equation. I knew that this would ruin things so I quickly told her that I we had slipped but not fallen and we would have no more sex. She was flabbergasted as she thought it was something wrong with her. Once I realized I loved her and wanted her as my wife is when things broke down. If thins were Kayla could be considered intense, things with Valarie were mind shattering. Having sex before marriage hurt us more than anything and if there was one thing I could take back it would be that. I do not regret having her as my wife, but regret the way we got there.
So then why this story? Does the journey stop now that I am married? I always under the impression that once you got married sexual deviance was over. I figured I had the ability to have any kind of sex we both wanted without guilt as it was a bond in God’s name. We didn’t just lust for each other but yearned. Before marriage we had sex at least daily….so imagine my surprise when her migraine medicine got rid of her drive. Here I was a horny Christian man that had thought that he would never need to have porn or masturbation again. I had my wife. The problem is that I had let go of my control figuring I never needed it again. Looking back I wish I hadn’t so quickly got rid of it as in the following year I would need it more than ever. Without my control I was horny and no outlet. I have stayed strong but find myself every once in awhile masturbating to rid myself of the pressure from within. I usually cry after and want to tell her that I am hurting. I can’t do it as its’ not her fault. It is a medical reason and for that I will continue to stumble. After reading Every Man’s Struggle and finding some websites with advice I decided to write this down. The days start now. The pieces are there. The Lord has given me the tools to fix this problem and I feel like for once in my life I am ready. If Job could make a covenant with the Lord to do such things and he was a sinner, there is hope for a sinner like me. Writing this will help me in 2 ways. I now know exactly what is inside my heart. I know that the struggle is long and difficult and can look back and see that now. I had forgotten just how bad my life was at one point. The other way this will help is that because I am a horrible sinner and one that has been through so much I feel that the only way I can spin this positive is to help others. My pain is your gain. I hope that some kid reads this online and instead of taking my path takes another.
